Is this too personal to post online? Maybe. Do I care? Not really.

I told Blaine a week or 2 ago that I didn’t want to get married anymore. Not to him, maybe not to anyone. It’s not that I don’t care about him, I just question the idea.

Blaine feels bad and I think he’s in denial about this whole not getting married thing. I told him flat out, I’m over it. I told my mom and she just laughs and doesn’t take me seriously. My sister hasn’t said anything. But Blaine. Poor Blaine. He all of a sudden wants to sell his car to save money. He brings up getting engaged/married more than I ever did. He’s scared and feels guilty that it’s taken this long. Then when I remind him that I don’t think I want the whole marriage thing, he gets quiet/upset. It breaks my heart to see his heart breaking every time I bring it up, but what about my heart breaking everytime someone else got engaged and every time I hoped that it was me?

Honestly, it’s a weight off my shoulders to get rid of that dream. I don’t know if it’s fully gone or if maybe one day it’ll come back, but right now it’s gone. I waited so long, cried over it for whatever reason and hoped that it would happen already and that was exhausting. It was exhausting to see all these other couples around me getting married. It was exhausting to think “Oh, her boyfriend is so madly in love with her that he proposed to her already” etc. and compare my situation to everyone else’s. Exhausting. I’m just over it. At this point I feel like if he did propose it wouldn’t be this amazing thrill. It would be like “ok, what took so long? nothing is going to change. we’ve been together 4 years and have settled into a routine”. I wanted it to happen when we were mad about each other. I do love him still, that’s for sure. But it’s not how it is at the beginning. And no, I didn’t want him to do it the second we met, but I did want it to happen during THAT part of our lives. The part you look back on and think of how in love you were and how new everything was, but that you were beginning a life together. Our life together has begun, we’ve been living it. We’re smack dab in the middle of it. And I feel like it’s too late now. Too late for me to feel that excitement about it. Is that sad? Am I being dumb? Probably. But it’s how I feel.

I question the thought of marriage in general, now. I mean, why commit yourself for life? Why not just be with someone while you enjoy being with them? What’s the point of saying “I want to be with you forever” if you can’t promise that things won’t get in the way later and feelings/people won’t change? Why do you need to be with one person forever. There are no guarantees. A marriage certificate promises nothing.

If you know me, this is weird for me to talk about. I wanted the wedding, the marriage, the children by the time I was 25. That was my dream. I let it go.

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