Do you ever all of a sudden become very aware of your surroundings, your life and just the world in general? One minute you’re in line the grocery store pretending not to read the headlines of the magazines and then the next minute you are so aware of the mother and her two children behind you and the elderly woman writing a check for her groceries in front of you. I don’t know how to explain it. I envision it like a scene in a movie: everything’s a little blurry until you focus in on each situation (the mom and her kids, the elderly lady) and then everything around that is blurred and you can only see what you’re focusing on, you can only hear “No honey, we don’t need a butterfingers” or the seemingly loud noise of the elderly woman tearing the check from her checkbook. And you don’t even notice that you’re staring right at them for longer than is socially acceptable.Time seems to slow down for just a few seconds and I have to brace myself, like I’m dizzy from the whole world spinning around me. Then in a flash everything is back to normal. Almost everything. When that happens it puts me in this distracted, thought provoked state of mind. I picture those people’s lives, the quiet every day moments that may or may not be a reality to those people. Is that creepy? Does that elderly woman arrive at an empty home after leaving the store? Or does she have a big family she lives with? Does she spend her days doing stereotypical old lady things like gardening and knitting? Does she help her children with their children? Does she have a secret addiction to celebrity gossip?
Then my train of thought naturally turns to my own life. How did I get here? Where has the time gone? Am I going to wake up tomorrow a wrinkly old lady? How much my life has changed in the last few years or even in the last year just seems insane. I am 25 years old, most definitely an adult, yet I still feel like a teenager and if I had to wake up for high school tomorrow it would not feel the least bit weird to me. In fact, I would take comfort in it, it would feel normal, safe. I’m married and we own a home, but I feel still like I’d get in trouble if I found out I was pregnant. I feel so young and unprepared for life and it’s not that I don’t want to be where I am in life, I’m just having a hard time realizing where I am and grounding myself here. Right here.
Isn’t life weird? We spend our childhood and teen years wanting to grow up, wanting to be “somewhere” or “something” or even “someone”. And then when we get here, it’s nothing like we thought it was going to be and we spend our days in a daze figuring out our lives day by day.
Don’t get me wrong. I am a lucky girl. I love my life. I am not complaining about my life and where I’ve been or where I’m headed. It’s just that reflecting on my past and comprehending what is ahead of me, it’s overwhelming.