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Babies on the Brain // And it scares me to death

I have to admit something. I’ve had babies on the brain for a while, even before we were married. Even before we were engaged, to be honest. I was a nanny, so that tells you something. Growing up I always had this vision of getting married and starting a family young. But now that we’re married and we’re creeping up towards our 30’s, I can’t help but have my mind drift to adding a few cute little kiddies to our zoo. Blaine is an amazing guy and the thought of him being a father just melts my heart.

Right now it’s mostly just day dreaming, but it always gets me thinking. I don’t want to mess with our chemistry, our relationship. I’m sure a lot of couples go through this when they start talking about starting a family. I just have this absolute fear that things will change and even if parents always assure childless couples that it will change for the better, I cannot help but be terrified that we’ll lose ourselves or more importantly: each other. There are so many couples out there that are frustrated, hardly talk to each other and center their lives around their children. There are so many broken homes out there and I can’t help but wonder if that couple skipped having kids, would they still be happily in love? I don’t want that. I want Blaine.

Wouldn’t it be great if I could look into the future and see us in our 70’s with and without children? If you can arrange that, let me know because that would make this a lot easier. It’s when I start thinking like this that a life full of traveling and doing whatever I want with the love of my life sounds so amazing and romantic. No spit up, diapers, fights about homework, angsty teenagers and endless amounts of expenses that come with having a child. But then I think if spit up or diapers bugged me I wouldn’t have been a nanny and done all of that for other peoples children, right? And maybe all that would be worth holding a warm, snuggly little baby in my arms and watching my husband be someones father.

We always joke that we’re ok with dogs. We’ll just be dog people for life and not have kids. Then we both catch ourselves randomly saying “When we have kids…” or “I hope our daughter is cute like her” as we point out a cute little brunette toddler hobbling around some restaurant.

And then I remember to want something doesn’t mean to need something. There are a lot of things I want, but can live without. The world is overpopulated right? Maybe we can get away with not having kids and appease ourselves by saying we’re doing our part.

I could go on and on with my rambling thoughts about having children. I haven’t even touched on our contemplation of adoption which (to my surprise) did not get a positive response when mentioned to family in casual conversation. I guess we’ll see what the future brings us. For now — we’re dog people. And cat people. And rat people. And chicken people. I guess we have our hands full for now.

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6 Comments on “Babies on the Brain // And it scares me to death

  1. You aren’t alone in this. I had extreme baby fever before I got married. In fact I was practically begging my hubby to start planning for a baby right after we said I do.

    I don’t know if it was baby envy since 90% of my best friends have kids. Whatever it was freaked me out. Mainly because I’ve never been big on kids. They scare me and are scared of me. I’ve always said I’ll just be a doggie mom, but I started to wonder if I was missing out. There was even guilt I carried around due to not being able to just let it happen naturally. I even felt less of a woman if i didn’t have a kid.

    Finally it hit me that it’s ok if I can’t/don’t want to have a kid straight out the gate. My dog is my child and that’s good enough for me.. for now 🙂

    Sorry about the ramble!

  2. I get bouts of baby fever sometimes too – I think a lot of it, at least for me, is because a lot of people I knew from high school are starting to have kids and I get all like “Ooh! I want kids! Steve will be such a sweet dads and then I can try all these crafts that I find on Pinterest!” 😛 But at the same time, we are enjoying life as a married couple sans kids – in reality I don’t think I’m realllllly ready to give up traveling and sleeping in and going out whenever I feel like it. So thank goodness I have Steve to roll his eyes at me and remind me that babies are not even up for discussion for another three years (and that we keep getting stuck next to crying babies and toddlers on the trains around Europe….) or else I would probably have that section of life planned out already! Haha. But seriously… I think I would be happy either way, with or without babies, so it makes you wonder what you’re missing by not being a parent while you are still young (aka have lots of energy)…. Hmm.

    That’s weird that you’ve gotten a negative reaction about adoption. I always tell Steve that if we end up adopting for whatever reason, it is going to be a little Filipino baby because I am convinced we are the cutest babies of all. 🙂

    Do you have baby-talk with Blaine? How does he react to it? Steve will usually humor me for a little bit until it starts getting too serious then I get the anti-baby look, haha.

    1. I’m glad I’m not the only one that’s totally conflicted!! And as for the adoption thing, I know, right? My mom was like “WHAT? I want a blood-related grandchild, not someone else’s baby”, Blaine’s mom just kind of looked at me and I don’t remember where I mentioned it at a family party, but I think it was one of our aunts that was like “No. Why would you want that?” like it was total crazy talk. What’s with all the older people in my life totally hating adoption? Apparently it’s a young person thing to be accepting of that all of a sudden.

      Blaine & I totally talk about babies all the time! I’m never sure if he’s just humoring me or if he actually WANTS them. But sometimes he’ll bring them up randomly without me saying anything which is a little reassuring that he’s not just going to potentially have kids with me just because I want them, you know? Like once in a while he’ll be like “What do you think about the name ___?” out of nowhere.

  3. I had my first child 3 weeks before my 1st wedding anniversary at the age of 23. And she is the BEST baby. She sleeps through the night and barely cries… and I can’t help but think if she had colic or something like that that I’d be wishing we had waited (she was not planned). I got my first job out of college 4 months pregnant, I graduated pregnant… and it is all amazing. And trust me- I’m not one of those crazy baby-loving people. I feel like no matter how old you are you’re going to wish you’d waited sometimes… but I will tell you it is worth it. And the best way to have a baby is to stop trying not to so hard.

    1. Katie — thanks so much for you comment and advice 🙂 I guess for right now we’re in “we’ll see what happens” mode. On one hand I have always pictured being a mother, on the other hand who knows? Thanks again and thanks for reading!

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